Love will find a Gay !

Last Thursday, the 1st of October, we continued our discussion on Zoom as a class of El Muerto after submitting our quiz. We had a thorough and interesting conference about motivations that inspire us to engage in leadership activity. My group discussed the various motivations and I stated that I align with a sense of duty or moral obligation, nurturing concern, and love for humanity. I feel obligated to my parents and ancestors to be a living proof of their wildest dreams. My great-grandparents were slaves from the island of Jamaica that had to work on plantations that they later inherited which is where some of my family resides currently. I use this as a reminder when life throws curveballs or seems unbearable. I remember that obtaining my degree is not just for me, but it is the outcome of all the endless sacrifices my parents made from before I was even born. I also feel a sense of responsibility towards the whole Black community. We lack representation in many professions critical to our existence. This is my motivation for becoming a medical doctor. I want to increase the five percent that we represent in the statistics. I also want to care for patients that look like me because I have never been to a black doctor due to the lack of their practices or availability in my area. I also have a motivation for nurturing concern because I love to be a listening ear for people. I know how relieving it can be to unload feelings and it means a lot when people feel comfortable to confide in me. I see that as a serious milestone in all relationships of my life. I also like to diagnose or identify the problem before offering advice. Lastly, I have a love for humanity because I believe we all are here on Earth to make one another happy. I believe in equality for all, I hate the perseverance of having a race remain superior to another or several. I believe we should smile at each other even if we are strangers, hold the door for one another, and say hello. It is so rewarding to me when I make someone smile because a lot of us are silently battling with demons or struggles internally.

On Sunday, the 3rd of October, I finished reading The Normal Heart by Larry Kramer. I reflected on the struggles Gay people have to endure in our country. I also did some research on the AIDS epidemic and Larry Kramer himself. I read in The New York Times that he was in the works of writing a play on COVID-19, but unfortunately, he passed away in May. The article mentioned his friendship with Dr. Fauci who he referred to as a “murderer and an incompetent idiot.” They became friends again after he had a liver transplant and Dr. Fauci helped him get into a lifesaving experimental drug trial. In the midst of writing this, I find it such a coincidence that Supreme Court Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito spoke out about the religious liberty implications of the Supreme Court’s 2015 decision that legalized same-sex marriage in America. I also thought about President Trump’s nominee, Amy Coney Barrett who potentially might help the conservatives overturn Obergefell v. Hodges. I feel as though this would be such a huge slap in the face to the Gay community. It is a shame that we did not legalize this sooner, but I don’t believe we should dictate who people marry. Love is love and love always wins.

On Monday, the 5th of October, I reflected on the lesson plan on Kallion. I also stuck post it notes throughout my hard copy of the book of passages that I felt were important to the development of leadership. I also read the quotes and listened to the audios posted by Dr.

Sandridge and I chose to analyze the first four.

In key passage number one, a connection can be made between Athena and Dr. Brookner. She marries Ned and Felix at the end. This is similar to Athena being a mediator in the relationship of Odysseus and Telemachus. She is a goddess of purposeful battle. I thought of Dr. Brookner’s battle which was raising awareness to the epidemic that was affecting the whole Gay community. Other doctors might not have cared as she indicated towards the end of the play when they wanted to remove her from dealing with this assignment, but she showed interest from the beginning. I believe this introduction of Ned and Dr. Brookner is a quintessential example of mentors being an impetus for their mentees. She persuades Ned to take action and tell all the Gay men to stop having sex. She activates his aidos, or sense of shame or guilt.

In key passage number two, Ned talks about the lack of self-criticism in the Gay community. He argues to Dr. Brookner that achieving unity is more complicated. Similar to Lysistrata, Dr. Brookner demands that the Gay men stop having sex. The difference is the magnitude of sex in both cases. It was more of a pleasure for the Greeks and the women striked to achieve peace. In the case of The Normal Heart, sex became political. It also was a life or death sentence during the epidemic.

In key passage number three, Mickey unleashed his fatigue of fighting to be treated as equals. As Dr. Sandridge said, as Gay people, they are apart of a marginalized or oppresed group. They are the outsiders because of their preference for whom they love. This is similar to how Binti who was a Himba, or a member of the community considere outsiders. She was not treated equal to the Khoush simply because of her appearance of darker skin and different hair. When she was leaving her hometown, on her journey to Oozma University, some Khoush girls made fun of her hair. Mickey is frustrated that he does not have the stamina or strength for another fight to be his true self.

In key passage number four, Ned is dismissed from the organization. This was astonishing to me because he was the main proponent for initiating or rallying everyone to support this cause. He advocated with every bone in his body for people, the papers, and the mayor to take the epidemic seriously. Although he had an audacious way of addressing the illness that plagued the Gay community, his intentions were pure I believe. A lot of the people involved were closeted Gay men which explained the reason why they say his brash actions as an explotation of Gay people. Ned’s comparison to the Holocaust and Germany are valid in my opinion. I often wonder what the rest of the world was doing as Germans were being slaughtered and treated so inhumane under the rule of Hitler. He continuously mentions the American Germans and how they were indifferent towards the state of Germany. In a similar way, the straight people in America did not care for the Gay people losing their lives. They are all Americans regardless of their sexual preference or orientation, so they should be concerned when people are dying exponentially over a short amount of time to a disease. To solve or alleviate this issue, I believe it required the Gay community to be vulnerable and represent for one another. A lot of them such as Mickey, Bruce, and even Ben although he was straight, did not want to risk their jobs or reputations.

A passage critical to leadership in my opinion was on page fifty-one. Ned shares his motivation for being an advocate, “Felix, weakness terrifies me. It scares the shit out of me. My father was weak and I’m afraid I’ll be like him. His life didn’t stand for anything, and then it was over. So I fight. Constantly. And if I can do it, I can’t understand why everybody else can’t do it too. Okay ?” I believe this passage is powerful because the depth of his incentive is really shown. He does not want to be weak, he had a bad example growing up. He wants to defy the odds of becoming the same person. Ned wants his life to be meaningful which entails finding or having a purpose. Bringing awareness to the epidemic became Ned’s purpose. I also believe Ned was looking for acceptance from his brother Ben. He eventually lashes out at Ben, “I’m beginning to think that you and your straight world are our enemy. I am furious with you, and with myself and with every goddamned doctor who ever told me I’m sick and interfered with my loving a man. I’m trying to understand why nobody wants to hear we’re dying, why nobody wants to help, why my own brother doesn’t want to help. Two million dollars for a house! We can’t get twenty-nine cents from the city. You still think I’m sick, and I simply cannot allow that any longer. I will not speak to you again until you accept me as your equal. Your healthy equal. Your brother!” I believe this is another internal battle that Ned is struggling with, he loves his brother. This is something common among all humans, we yearn for the acceptance of the people we love, usually our families. Ben said he would have to get Ned’s organization approved as pro-bono by his committee. Once the deal was made, he did not want to be a part of the organization’s board of directors. I believe Ned interpreted this as an incomplete acceptance or embrace of his lifestyle by his brother.

On Tuesday, the 6th of October, I decided to complete the plotting of my leadership development exercise after baking my favorite Halloween sugar cookies and eating them with a nice glass of milk. I like to activate my thoughts on a satisfied stomach to fuel my brain. I reviewed behaviors that stunted Ned’s effectiveness as an advocate or leader for the Gay community. I believe several tendencies hindered his leadership such as:

• being too critical of himself
• his refusal to negotiate with his opposition
• unawareness of his impudent relations with others
• disregard for the feelings or perspectives of others at times
• his desire to uphold the idea of being strong and suppressing his duality

After completing my list, most of mine were similar to Dr. Sandridge’s bullets about Ned’s behaviors. I was able to draw some parallels between Ned and myself. I am definitely my biggest critic and expect a lot of myself. I feel pressure from myself and some which is derived from my parents. I care a lot about perception and my reputation. I believe all my actions inherently affect those two things so I tend to overthink and apply more pressure than needed on myself. I used to suppress my duality as an individual, but now I express my complexity as a human being. I embrace the many facets of my personality. I love the fact that I am Jamaican and American, enjoy hip hop and pop music, a conscientious student and an avid partygoer, and much more. I used to feel as though I had to be confined to one personality or fit my individuality into a box. With time, I have learned that I can be a complex person. Similar to the issue Ned has, there is a recurring narrative that Black women are supposed to be strong. No one encourages or emphasizes the fact that we can have a duality of emotions. Feeling weak is not a sign of inferiority, we are humans at the end of the day. I believe the strongest people experience many weak moments.

An issue that I care deeply about is racism in America. Systemic racism has affected me and millions of other minorities on a daily basis. Police brutality has just been the tip of the iceberg lately. There are many unaddressed issues pertaining to racism. I have protested, spread awareness on social media through educational posts and reflections, and will be exercising my right and what feels like my civil duty to vote in November. I would like to be a better advocate by doing more on a local level. I believe I need to help be a mentor to the people that feel forgotten in my community. I have been helping high school seniors with the college application process since I just experienced it almost a year ago. Many Black high school seniors are not prioritized by their guidance counselors, I was a victim of this and see helping others as paying my knowledge forward. I feel that the sentence that would best describe me is I feel that I am supporting important causes with all of my talents and energy. However, there is always still room for improvement.